As you may know, I recently graduated from college, after which I was in an internship program in LA for a couple of months. Because the internship was for class credit, I didn’t technically “graduate” at my graduation. I walked across the stage and got a handshake as my name was slightly mispronounced, with the promise that my diploma would be mailed to me at the completion of said internship program.

In the two months or so that followed the internship program, I received no diploma. Every time I got a package from the college, opening it only revealed a little pipsqueak with a mushroom for a head, who said, “Thank you, David, but your diploma is in another envelope!”

However, all that changed yesterday, when I found a package from the school labeled “do not bend” haphazardly crammed into our mailbox. I pulled it out, opened it, and sure enough, there was a piece of paper that stated the following in the most pretentious font imaginable:

“Be it known that the Faculty of Messiah College
authorized by the Board of Trustees confers upon
David G. Ganssle
the degree of
Bachelor of Arts
with all the rights, privileges, and honors appertaining to that degree.
Given in Grantham, Pennsylvania,
the 31st day of August in the year of our Lord two thousand and nine.”

First of all, I like the “be it known that the Faculty” part. “It’s the Faculty’s fault this kid got through! Blame them!”

Second of all, the diploma isn’t clear on exactly which “rights, privileges, and honors” appertain to said degree, but I have my own ideas of what I deserve now that I’m graduated:

1. Shorter lines at Burger King

2. A visit from Ron Gilbert, who will reveal to me the secret of Monkey Island (on a side note, Gilbert has often stated that the two main inspirations for the Monkey Island games were the POTC ride and the book “On Stranger Tides”. Now, Disney just announced that the next POTC movie will be based on said book. COINCIDENCE? Well, maybe. BUT MAYBE NOT!)

3. My own private Kentucky, because somebody else already claimed Idaho

4. A lifetime supply of fried shrimp

5. A secure career with flexible hours and job benefits

As you can see, I don’t have many demands, but the ones that I have are very specific, some may say impossible. But I have a piece of paper with my name and the school president’s signature now, and if these simple rights, privileges, and honors are not among the ones appertaining to said degree…then I may have just wasted four years and thousands of dollars. Crap.